July 16, 2010
Dear friends and loved ones,
Since last posting, I have experienced a world of changes as I indicated with my closing remarks. I attempted to write and rewrite since the 5th of July an accounting of all that transpired in detail, but today as I write this letter, having re read the final 5 page draft, it seems pointless to bore you all with the details. It would seem that what began as a journal of sorts for my benefit and a letter to family and friends describing our exploration through Brazil and South America had morphed into something completely different. My thoughts to attempt to detail the ins and outs of building an affordable off the grid homestead have over time changed as the process revealed to us a change of heart on so many levels that to detail them while once seemingly worthwhile, no longer seems so.
If I can summarize all that we learned in this two month sojourn since our return, with any clarity I can only say that in the latest analysis what seems best for us has dramatically changed. Indeed we found many lovely places where we could have established a new home base, yet intuitively none ever felt quite right. Fixing ourselves to one location seems tedious and problematical to Paul while riddled with anxious concern for me. Renting without long term commitment suits us better at this juncture, keeping the freedom alive to follow our hearts.
As you know, Paul and I see a rapidly changing world and are inclined towards knowing and experiencing all we can while it is still possible. As I become more realistic in certain matters, I can see that there are some limitations about what I can expect from my body. It occurs to me that building a homestead might be one of them. I think these physically demanding activities are better left to younger and stronger people and that turning within to continue my spiritual development rises to the foreground of what’s more important to me just now.
To that end, for the last 7 days, we have taken on the practice of meditating for one hour, twice a day. First thing in the morning and again sometime in the afternoon, we sit quietly for a time directing our thoughts inward, working to still the mental chatter. We are getting our whole bodies involved using the Vipassana techniques we learned at a 10 day silent mediation retreat at the Vipassana Center several years ago. We are endeavoring to be mindful of what might be occurring with us as we move deeper and deeper into this practice. This morning, after seven days of doing this, we attempted to list changes we are seeing that may or may not be attributed to the meditation. Here’s what we’ve noticed:
- We have a reduced interest in watching movies for entertainment. There seems to be more and more of an inability to be entertained by them. Although we have always had trouble watching violence in movies, (both verbal and physical) it has become almost impossible to subject ourselves to this genre of video entertainment. In me, it provokes a full body anxiety, while for Paul it is somewhat less vivid. He is less vicerously affected. Paul noticed last night that he is not as easily entertained by slap stick humor as he once was and I am quite easily moved to anxiety by music scores that are meant to induce frightening responses.
- We are less susceptible to emotional highs and lows. Initially I noticed that I was a bit bored by this absence but now I am finding solace in the “middle ground.” We think this might be what is referred to as developing a more equanamous approach to life. As you have probably noticed from reading this blog or knowing me, I do not have the reputation for having the most balanced and unflappable way of being. I have always rather had the tendency to over react and get caught up in the very highs and lows that life brings. Most who know me think of me as a highly emotional and deeply sensitive person, yet the meditation practice appears to be stabilizing my highs and lows and leaving me feeling more calm and in control.
- We are finding it easier and faster to quiet the “talking voice” during meditation and it remains less active as well when not meditating. We seem to have more space between our thoughts.
- I am finding it easier to be with the times when I feel a sense of dread and not be so rattled by it.
- Because of it forcing us to take a more mindful approach to life we are noticing that we are snacking almost not at all and generally eating much less than we were.
- Neither of us is as whiney. Feeling gratitude appears to be coming more easily and naturally.
- We seem to be more indifferent about things. What I mean by this is that we seem to be more accepting of the things we can not affect and less invested in particular outcomes.
As you know, I have kept you abreast of the activities of which we have been involved with, both inner and outer. This simply continues in that vein for whatever it’s worth, perhaps for inspiration, perhaps for consideration or simply as I mentioned earlier just as a source of entertainment or a distraction from the activities of your day.
Well then, we’ll leave you here for now until next time. I love hearing from you, anytime you feel inclined to write or call. Stay in peace and love.